Huntsville's Promise
Our Children Our Future
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Asset of the Week: Fences for Families
Family Boundaries
By Melissa
Templeton-Mahaffey MA, LPC, LMFT, Huntsville City Council
Boundaries
and limits in all areas of life serve important functions. We have laws such
as speed limits that restrict what we can do, for everyone’s safety and well
being. We have physical barriers as well that protect us and increase our
privacy such as concrete walls on bridges and fences around our yards.
Unfortunately, in our own families we often believe that limits and boundaries
have no place. We believe that if we love and care about someone, especially
a child, we should not want or need to set any limits with them. But in our
role as parents (and as adult children and even siblings) we must investigate
and gain awareness of the importance of setting boundaries in our families,
among our family members.
First, we
need to recognize what the current boundaries are in our family. These are
often similar to the boundaries or limits that were set in our own family of
origin. Sometimes, however, we attempt to improve our own family by rejecting
ALL the rules and ways of our original families. Although boundaries are
certainly tied to discipline, boundaries, or the lack thereof, are the often
unspoken laws of the family. Discipline is the consequence of not following
the prescribed, and often unstated, rules. For example rules might address:
What access do family members have to each other? Can a child walk into the
parent’s room at any time or is the child expected to knock? Can children do
anything inside the house that they want to? Can children watch anything they
want on TV at any time? Can children get money from mother’s purse or Dad’s
wallet without asking? Can father yell at mother in the house? These are just
a small sampling of limit issues.
Secondly, we
need to get awareness about the existence and usefulness of the limits that
are currently set in our family. Does the family have boundaries between
members and are all members aware of them? Are these rules helpful in the
day-to-day functioning of the family or do they cause problems? Are these
limits consistent and fair in their application? Inconsistent limit setting
or lack of limit setting is a huge issue with many people that I see in my
psychotherapy practice. I suggest discussing limits and boundaries at a
family meeting, and even writing them down so that everyone is aware of the
expectations. For example, I told my daughter at an early age that I would
side with her teacher in a scholastic matter, even if I disagreed with him/her
philosophically. My daughter never had an issue with her teachers that she
did not sort out herself. (My boundary was “Teachers will be respected and
their rules will be respected. You still have the freedom not to agree with
the rules, but you will follow them.” )
Thirdly, we
can construct and fine-tune appropriate limits and boundaries that work in the
special culture that each family builds for itself. The best way, of course,
to teach children good limit setting, is to work on setting, and then modeling
good boundaries within your own adult relationships; with your spouse for
example and with co-workers. Children who are raised without boundaries and
limits will not know how to accept, adapt and build boundaries with others.
They might believe that “if people like me, they will not set limits with
me.” Or they may view appropriate limit setting by others as punitive. Poor
education and training in limit and boundary setting has a huge impact, and
takes a terrible toll on marriages and careers and most other spheres of
living.
Finally,
limit setting needs to be both consistent and flexible. Consistent limit
setting (an expectation of behavior) aids in conserving energy and limiting
power struggles. A parent does not have the energy to reinvent the household
rules every night. This is a sign that a parent is inconsistent depending on
their mood (tired, happy, guilty etc). However, boundaries and limits may be
changed (“on vacation we stay up later”) and should be flexible (“with the
passing of time a child gains privileges equal to new responsibilities). A
good way to verbally set a limit is to first, repeat what you heard the person
wants from you, then set your limit using your authority as the parent (boss,
etc), then offer an alternative or an “in the future” encouragement. For
example “you want me to drive you to the pool today”… “but I have to get this
report out for work”… “If you get the dishes done, I can take you tomorrow at
2 pm.” Of course it is good practice for your children to hear “NO.”
We love our
children and we want to instill in them the skills that will make their
transition into the big wide world as smooth as possible. Limit and boundary
setting will make your life as a parent easier and more fun and will teach
your children an important, useful and necessary skill. Happy fence
building.
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