Asset of the Week-Family Communication

By David A. Prier, MD: President, Huntsville’s Promise Board of Directors and President, Huntsville Pediatric and Adult Associates

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts about the importance of good communication in our families in this column today. The family is the most influential social unit in rearing and teaching our children to become effective and caring adults. Our responsibility to be a good parent is the most important calling of our lives. David O. McKay once said, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” 

 In a nurturing and loving environment, children can feel comfortable to learn and practice positive communication skills. I realize none of us has a perfect family. Many single parents, foster parents, and grandparents are attempting to rear children in our community today. However, there are some basics that all homes need to become more effective settings of communication and learning. Successful families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.

 In our 2001 survey of the youth in our public schools sponsored by Huntsville’s Promise in partnership with the City of Huntsville and HISD, Only 27% of middle and high school students surveyed reported having positive family communication, including being willing to seek their parents’ advice and counsel. Positive family communication is much more common among younger kids than older teenagers (> 40% of seventh graders and < 20% of high school seniors reported positive family communication in the same local survey).

 How then can we, as a family, improve our home environment to better foster a more positive style of communication? In the Bible in Hebrews 13:16 we are taught, “But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” I would like to suggest four basic rules to be followed as parents and children.

 First, we must be willing to make sacrifices. We need to recognize the importance of being available. Sometimes, it is inconvenient to take the time to listen to our children when they are ready to share their feelings. We must be willing to create a setting conducive to their needs. This may be while shooting some hoops or playing a game together. It may be while lying on their bed, while they are in their room listening to music. Good communication requires a willingness to make time for each other.

 Secondly, we must be willing to listen first then vocalize our feelings. Our children feel their concerns are important, as we listen to them. So often, we feel a need to tell, command, preach, or “teach” them. A willingness to listen is the key to communication with all humans, including our own children. Then, we can express our feelings free of judging or criticizing their viewpoint. We need to catch our children doing something right. They need to hear and feel our love expressed to them on a regular basis.

 Next, we must be willing to maintain confidences. A teenager will not confide in you, if they feel information will be conveyed to their friends or other siblings. Sacred are the feelings of one individual expressed to another in confidence. You wouldn’t be willing to share your thoughts or feelings with someone if you felt that confidence would be betrayed.

Lastly, we must be willing to exercise patience. “I get sick and tired of listening to your complaints” and “I have told you a thousand times” are but two of many often-repeated family quotations that indicate patience is gone and channels of communication are plugged.  It takes courage to communicate patiently. Often, our impressionable youth quietly watch and later mimic the way we as parents communicate to each other.

I would like to suggest some ideas for creating a more positive environment for communication within our homes. There has been a lot of good research linking opportunities for good communication with our children, as we actually sit down as a family to eat an evening meal together. This homemade dinner is often more nutritious and less costly than dining out.

Take time to designate and prioritize a specific night of the week to spend with your family. The City of Huntsville has designated Monday night as “Family Night”. While there are many good school, recreational, and business activities scheduled on this night, I believe our children, in Huntsville, will be happier if families will designate this night to spend time together.  This provides time for fun, communication, teaching, and service to each other and others in our town.

Take time to hold a family council each week. This can be in conjunction with “Family Night”. A review of the weekly activities of each family member and coordination of needs can be made at this time. This also provides input from the children of their concerns. It also is a natural time for children to express their feelings.

Finally, another important opportunity for families to foster more positive communication in the home is nightly scripture reading and prayer as a family. I realize there are families that are not faith based, and this particular recommendation would have to be modified to meet their specific needs. But, for families of faith, this provides another special chance to open the door of communication with our kids. The opportunity to both hear and express our feelings to one another as we pray is priceless.

I am grateful to be a member of a family that loves me. My children will not say I’m the perfect dad, and my wife can verify I am not the perfect husband. Our community is made up of diverse households. We all have challenges that face our families. Our children need us to be better parents and grandparents.

I sincerely believe that we can provide more positive communication within our homes in this community. Can you make this an item of priority and discussion in your home whatever your circumstances? By the way, include your children in the discussion.